Chapter 2 - Part 3

HOW TO REACT WHEN YOU WITNESS ABUSE?

ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR CAN
COME FROM ANYONE

ABUSE CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE BY ANYONE REGARDLESS OF GENDER IDENTITY, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, ORIGIN, RACE, ECONOMIC STATUS OR AGE

Identifying abusive behaviors is hard when you know the abuser - particularly if you've never seen them abuse someone else.

Abusive behavior might feel like a private matter, but when it comes to violence, it is no longer private.

In this section we talk about identifying aggressive behaviors when you see them.

UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATIONS OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS

Always ask permission from the person being abused before talking to the abuser - unless you witness the abusive behavior.

Creating and understanding both your own and the victim's boundaries are of the utmost importance.

See examples of situations

SITUATION

NEW SITUATIONS

What if you were close friends with Jordan instead of Alex?

SITUATION

SITUATION 1

You hang out all the time and even share a friend group.

Some of your friends try to tell you that Jordan is probably abusing their partner, Alex, who you have only met once or twice. You find this hard to believe because Jordan has always been nice to you.

But then you think about it and start from a place of belief - who knows what could happen behind closed doors.
Finally, you see Jordan's post mocking Alex's new haircut. Think back to the 9 signs of abuse and the previous situation you witnessed.

SITUATION

SITUATION 2

You're about to meet up with Jordan but they're running late. Jordan talks about their controlling relationship with Alex. At one point Jordan even brags about it. What do you do?
You
Almost at the restaurant. You there?

HOW CAN YOU REACT?

DON’T STAY SILENT.
It is not over-reacting to set your own boundaries and to be secure in your own values. Staying silent, or thinking abuse is none of your business, is not usually the best way to move forward.


1. Establish that Jordan’s behavior is not acceptable to you or normal. You can say something like "Hey, what you’re doing makes me really uncomfortable, and seems abusive to me. Can we have a chat about it?"

2. Set a boundary for your friendship with Jordan. Remember that you do not have to be friends with people who abuse their partners, even if they seem nice to you! You can say something like, "I have had fun hanging out with you, but I think we have different values in how we treat the people in our lives. I don’t know if I am comfortable being friends with someone who treats their partner this way."
3. Remind Jordan that they are responsible for their own behavior--and for the consequences of it. You can make sure that Jordan knows that you are not just going to forget this incident, by saying something like, "I know we all get upset sometimes, but we are all responsible for our actions when we’re mad. For me, it’s really an unacceptable behavior and I don’t know if I can remain friends if you continue treating people that way."

4. Recommend that Jordan get help from a professional--it’s not your job to fix them! Anger management classes and relationship counseling can help Jordan to learn to be a better partner. You cannot change Jordan, but you can set your own boundaries for the types of people that you want in your life. Sometimes natural consequences are the best way to inspire people to change and grow. If Jordan says that this is just how they are, or that they’ve tried but nothing has worked, you can recommend that they seek help working on themselves so they can be a better partner. You can say something like: "I’m genuinely concerned. I think it might be really helpful for you to talk to a professional about managing anger and building healthier relationships. There are resources out there that can help you develop better ways to handle conflict."

STAND FOR YOUR VALUES

WHAT IF YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH BOTH JORDAN AND ALEX?

If you are friends with both people in a couple and hear or realize that one person may be abusing the other, start with an open mind and watch for yourself.

Only intervene if you witness abusive behavior yourself, not if you hear about it from the target of abuse, unless you have the explicit permission to confront their abuser.

Expressing your principles to your friend group and making your values of healthy relationships known to all can set the stage for role modeling healthy behavior.
2. 3 HOW TO REACT WHEN YOU WITNESS ABUSE?
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