Chapter 2 - Part 2

HOW TO SUPPORT A FRIEND WHO IS EXPERIENCING ABUSE?

WHAT YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH

1. FEEL IN STATE OF ENTRAPMENT AND FEAR

Abusive behavior can create a progressive state of entrapment and fear. "Options, choices and ability to decide for themselves diminish further and further" (Stark, 2007)

2. THE STEPS TO END AN ABUSE ARE NOT LINEAR

Ending abuse is rarely a direct and precise process. It is important to know that even if you make progress, relationships can return to previous steps.

WHAT YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH

3. COERCION IS ONGOING - RATHER THAN EPISODIC
THE ABUSE FOLLOWS A REPETITIVE PATTERN

Your friend who is experiencing abuse may tell you that things are cool in the end - this may be because they are in the "calm" phase before a new tension rises.
You
Hey, how are things going? You said they had screamed at you all night last night and then we didn’t hear from you for a week. We were worried

SAFETY OF YOUR FRIEND COMES FIRST

You must always prioritize the safety of the person experiencing abuse.

Ending the relationship can be the most dangerous time.

Most of serious injuries, even death, from domestic and dating abuse happens when the target of abuse tries to leave.

75% of women killed by their partners and 85% of women who experienced serious violence were trying to leave their partners.

This is also why "ending the relationship" may be different from "ending the abuse".


Source: US Dept. of Justice https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/jr000250.pdf

WHY YOUR REACTION IS IMPORTANT

66% OF THE TIME, A SURVIVOR WILL DISCLOSE TO A FRIEND OR PEER BEFORE THEY REPORT TO ANYONE ELSE.

Even if you don't know what to say, start by listening.

Remember that how you react and show support can influence the person experiencing abuse – it can help them feel comfortable speaking about it again.


Johnson, I. D., & Belenko, S. (2021). Female intimate partner violence survivors experiences with disclosure to informal network members. Journal of interpersonal violence, 36(15-16), NP8082-NP8100.

SITUATION

While Jordan is out of town for the night, Alex goes out to dinner with you and some friends.

In the middle of dinner Alex says, "Jordan has been really mean to me lately. They keep humiliating me in public and tracking my location on my phone. They've threatened to leave me or worse. I actually think it's pretty messed up..."

They start talking about it and the conversation goes on later that night in their group chat.
You
How long have you been letting this happen? You really need to tell them to stop.
You
Hey, I wanted to reach out privately. If you want to talk about what's going on. I'm here for you.

situation

NEW SITUATIONS

We’re back to conversation between Jordan and Alex.
Alex
Hey, still upset about you yelling at me last night. It was mortifying, and you know Mark is just a friend.

DO

1. Listen, and start from a place of belief and trust.

2. Be the person that they can be open with.

3. Help them to develop a safety plan - express your concerns about their safety.

4. Provide them with resources to help them determine the best way forward for themselves.

DON'T

1. Ask them too many questions.

2. Give them advice about what they should do instead of staying with their partner.

3. Badmouth their partner.

4. Share their information or confront their abuser without explicit permission.
2. 2 HOW TO SUPPORT A FRIEND WHO IS EXPERIENCING ABUSE?
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